I am a domestic God. As I am going away for the weekend I've done my ironing, washed AND put away the week old pots. Mopped and hoovered my pad. I really do amaze even me at how self sufficient I really am.

One thing I can't work out is the washing machine though. The fucking thing is possessed. Its on its third cycle of the same load of washing? Why is it doing that? The thing keeps stopping and blinking at me. I think it's blinking, it may be winking. Maybe the washing machine is flirting with me. Not that I'd know, as I am crap. Official. Anyway, I digress. So I press the restart button (I think thats what it is, the thing is in French) and off it goes, again. All I want it my best pulling pants for the weekend, the homer simpson number. If the pants don't make the lass laugh, whats inside them normally does!

ITs stopped agin. The thing is full of water and its winking at me. The teasing little minx. What the fuck do I do? How do I make it finish? Help......????

I don't know what came over me. However glad to see so many of you messaged me with pleas to come back. Lousy bastards haha!

I love this character. I feel his pain. Me and Travis have a lot in common.
Thanks all for reading so far, this is my final blog. Bored of it now, bored of it all.

I'm an insomniac. It's a fucking curse. I lie in bed but my arms have now taken on the same properties of a washing machine on full spin cycle. It's ridiculous. I have no idea why I am like this, I feel totally drained. I can barely see to type, and yet I still cannot sleep.

The mozzies now this. I can hear the little cunt in the corner of my bedroom. Every time I close my eyes thelittle fucker starts buzzing. It's the sleep deprivation method taught to him at the mozzie Al Qaeda training camp. I know the little fucker is waiting for his moment to attack. Well he can fucking fuck off, I've gone for all out chemical warfare on the little twat. One full bottle of mozzie spray in my bedroom, that'll sort the little shite out. No building your mosques in my gaff pal.

I now fear that if I go to sleep in that contaminated room, I'll never wake up again. What is the lethal dosage to humans of mozzie spray? Anyone? What are the likely effects of me ingesting a full bottles worth? Death, mental illness, hideous blotches, athletes foot?

I have lost the will to live. The fucking mozzie wins. Cunt.

Which means all the shops are closed. Which means I better hope that my milk and cigarettes don't run out.

Well they fucking well have, selfish ungratful garlic munching surrender monkey cunts! Why the fuck can I not buy some tabs and milk on a fucking Monday you twats!

I'm not very happy.

I have noticed recently that my eyebrows have become increasingly unruly. I must say I'm blessed with the kind of looks that make my own Mother vomit anyway, but having these fucking birds nests perched above my eyes is not helping. I am 37, with the eyebrows of a 78 year old. I have also developed ear hair. Fucking ear hair!

What the fuck am I supposed to do about it? I cannot pluck them, as that is for women and faggots. I cannot trim them with scissors, one I'd likely take my eyes out as I'm a clumsy fucker at the best of times, and two, that is for women and faggots.

I have taken to ripping them out with my fingers, which is far more manly. Despite the fact that it causes unimaginable pain, I think it is the only way to keep the troublesome little fuckers in line.

If anyone actually bothers their arse to read this shite, please kindly pass on any tips. I'm not interested in imac, waxing or anything else remotely faggotish. Sensible answers only please.

Thank you.

So I am planning on returning after the summer. See out the season here and get back to England. I have no idea where I will live or what I will do when I get there. But I need to be back in England. I miss warm beer and cold days, the good old English pub, an Indian takeaway, nipping to the shops on a Sunday, heading to the hills to relax and rediscover myself. I find I am so bored, and the things I want to do most I cannot do here.

Right, where to live. I'll start by renting somewhere first, but if anyone has any suggestions I'll gladly hear them. I'm a contractor so move around the country anyway, but I do need a permanent base. Where is the most desirable place to live in England. I hope you will be as much help in this matter as you have been in my "any electricians" dilemma.

I'm looking for a change in direction. Does this course look any good? As in do you think its covers all the right things? Thanks in advance.

http://www.icslearn.co.uk/it-technical-courses/electronics-engineering/iee-wiring-regulations/

I have received a complaint from a blogger over my use of the word faggot. I do sincerley apologise. Please replace the word faggot with any of the following.....

Shirtlifter
Up hill gardener
Sausage jockey
Poo Pirate
Turd burglar
Shit stabber
Marmite Miner
Donut puncher
Pillow biter
Fudge Packer
Arse bandit
Poo pusher
Chutney ferret
Stench trench commando
Starfish trooper
Arsetronaut

I am sure that any one of the above terms would suit the complaintif. Fucking faggot.

This story about a man who was forced to re-take his driving test due to his gayness.....what the fuck?!?! http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/7503861.stm

I loved this story. I have no idea how the Italians made the link between driving and being an up hill gardener, but its a work of pure genius. Maybes they thought the fella would be distracted driving past building sites by shirtless builders and plough into 20 innocent children at a bus stop. Perhaps they thought the arse bandit would be changing gears using his shitbox, and they wanted to check he could do it in a safe manner. Or did they think his limp wristedness would extend to his ankles thus making him unable to perform an emergency stop. Genius, I love the Italians.